OFF Topic Post on Mid Life

Off Topic Post About Life:

I did it! I've aged. At the prime of my life and I feel great. 54 years young is the perfect age. I'm experienced enough to negotiate some of life's curve balls but wise enough to seek help when I need it. And did I  ever need it. For the first time in my life I'm able to start to feel. Yes, feel. I was raised in the classic 50's-60's household where my father was a great provider but emotionally unavailable. A complete emotional midget. His motto was Be a man. Never cry. Get a job. Retire.

Well, I wanted to find something better. I knew there was more to life than that drudgery. I had a passion for music, so I decided to pursue music, forget the college, forget the 8-5 job! Although as I approached my 50's I was happy I was a decent musician, financially I was broke and unsatisfied. What to do?! How come I wasn't able to "make it" in my chosen field? Yes circumstances had a lot to do with it. Sometimes one just has to be in the right place at the right time. But, I had a gnawing feeling that other factors came into play too. I felt I had more to offer the world, more passion and get out but some sort of self loathing or fear was holding me back. That's when I started meditating and going to therapy in earnest. Not to find out someone else's idea of who I should be but to find out for myself what I want to be and how I can walk in this  world facing my fears instead of letting them bury me.

As I dug deep and deeper I found that much of my fear of releasing my passion in and to the world stemmed from my inability to feel my emotions. My fear of pain. Past pains. Locked up shame and the general feeling of not being "good enough". As I explore these painful feelings further I find out, no matter how painful it can be to feel, feelings are essential to being a whole functioning person in this world. The brain and body must to be connected. This helps you become a person with eyes wide open, observing reality. The ability to do this enables much more choice and joy in life. I also find, the deeper I'm able to feel the more open I become in my relationships with people. There's even a difference in the way people respond to me and the way I respond to them.

Choosing an alternative path was my way of seeking a deeply satisfying life. Well, it took until my 50's do start the real work! But at least I'm not waiting until it's too late. This is an ongoing journey for me that has recently started. I'll post about this as it moves forward. Until then keep on meditating,  face yourself and your emotions and the world will open up for you.